Women Grow Business

“Can you give me a proposal?”

A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with several small business owners. The topic up for discussion: tough clients. As we went around the table trading horror stories, my friend Kacy Paide came to mind.

Kacy owns the Inspired Office and has one of best FAQ sections I’ve seen on a business website. It’s great because she dares to do what most business owners don’t: provide a detailed description of the personal characteristics of her ideal clients.

(From Kacy’s FAQ)

What personality do you work best with?

Please be able to visualize improvement, be optimistic, find humor in your shortcomings, take advice from an expert, offer self-introspection as to why you are the way you are, have demonstrated ability to implement new habits, recognize when you’re making excuses, and be widely known in your circle as a very nice person. This last one is a must, as we’ll be spending a lot of time together. I’m nice too by the way.

Personality IS included

See what I mean? It’s bold and honest. It makes complete sense. Personality has a huge impact on work. Defining the characteristics of the clients that inspire your best work allows you to seek out similar clients. Working with clients that are the right fit not only improves your potential for success, but also increases the likelihood that your clients will recommend you to others of a similar mind set.

Does “nice” really matter?

Okay, so it’s all well and good to say you want clients that are “nice people,” but does it work?

According to Kacy, it has:

“I had already worked with about 200 clients before defining my niche. Writing the content for my website was probably the best exercise in defining my niche and ideal client even further.  It acts as both a filter and a magnet.  When the phone rings, I know they’ve already self selected themselves.  The FAQ and About You pages are written so that my perfect professional match can read it and recognize themselves immediately.”

Looking through the mirror

To take it a step further, Kacy’s FAQ allows potential clients to take a peak inside the culture of her company. Corporate culture is a frequent topic of business books and essays. And, yet, when it comes to defining a corporate culture, big companies often miss the mark by writing mission statements that list ideals but not tangible terms.

One of the advantages of working for yourself is that your “personal culture” sets the tone for your business, and as that business grows you have the power to cultivate the environment (clients included) that are the best fit.

Reclaim your power

Doing so requires a power shift though, from your clients back to yourself. It requires that you say no to the majority. But in saying no to the majority, you say yes to a more select group.

The advantage is that you waste less time doing the things you hate (managing personalities that are the wrong fit, for instance) and more time doing what you love with clients you love.

It IS about you… and that’s ok

It also requires that you give potential clients a window into your world. Your website is that window. Be bold. Dare to write a precise description of the clients you want. You’re not going to work with just anyone, you’re going to work with…

… You fill in the blank.

More from:

• Katie Kemple’s leadership series on Women Grow Business
• Jana Matthews and SBTV.com on corporate culture in your small business
• How CSN Stores, LLC, avoids corporate culture (great read in the Wall Street Journal)
• Seth Godin on whether you should take what you should get

Photo: Tory Paide

Guest post by Katie Kemple, producer of the Women Grow Business leadership series. With an extensive background in radio, television and communications, she holds an Executive Master’s in Leadership from Georgetown University, and is the online community manager for Public Media’s Economy Story. Katie believes in the power of positive thinking (plus embracing failure as a path to success). She can be reached via Twitter @kkemple.

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Changing times often call for a change in leadership styles.

And the book Engaging Leadership: Three Agendas for Sustaining Achievement advocates that the rapid pace of business and technology requires “open source” leaders. It offers fresh insight on leadership in the new millennium, in an easily digestible 130 pages rich in storytelling, data and useful advice.

I recently sat down with Claire Meany, contributing editor, to discuss some of these concepts.

Why Open Source Leadership?
To understand what Claire and her co-contributors mean by open source (or “engaging”) leadership, it’s helpful to know what came before it. Below is a summary of leadership styles over the past 50 years:

• Paternalistic (1945-75): Lead by experience and seniority; top down commands; take orders and don’t question authority
• Data-driven (1980-2000): Lead by intellect and data; graduates from MBA programs; comfortable with spreadsheets but not people or rapid change
• Open source (2001-present): Lead by collaboration; encourage experimentation; use empathy and listening skills to harness internal potential

(Image Listen Up by Mouis, Creative Commons)

With that context in mind
Our interview unfolds below with my questions (noted by initials ‘KK’) preceding Claire’s commentary.

KK: You advocate “open source” leadership. How can business owners benefit from adopting this style?

CM: It’s about engagement. If you’re leading in that way [open source], you’re creating maximum engagement in all parts of the organization.

And, the more engagement you’re creating the more results you’ll see.

It requires changing fast to accommodate external conditions and the ability to lead when you don’t know the answers. The more you can tap into the minds and smart thinking of the people around you, the better chance you have of creating maximum engagement. This requires a specific skill set.

We must be good listeners, politically savvy, capable of handling criticism and conflict, and we must own our incompetence.

KK: In your experience, what style do entrepreneurs tend to favor?

CM: Entrepreneurs are typically high on the control agenda [paternalistic style]. They tend to fall into that trap automatically. What I’ve seen in successful entrepreneurs is a willingness to surround themselves with people who are more open source in nature. Open source employees can help by redirecting the energy of a CEO from the micromanagement of day-to-day tasks back to areas where he/she can be more helpful: building the business, being a spokesperson for the company, and marketing their services.

KK: Do you have any personal examples of open source leadership?

CM: I spend a lot of time volunteering and watching leadership either happen or not happen. My most recent example is in baseball. I have two sons: 8 and 10 years old. Both play baseball in the same league. Two teams were picked and one would assume that the talent pool is about the same on each. Having one son on each team, I’ve seen the impact the two coaches have to either increase or inhibit the performance of their team.

The kids on my 8 year old’s team have such an energy about them. You feel it watching them — whether they’re losing, winning or learning.

The coach has an engagement process and strategy with the kids. He constantly gathers them and tells stories about when he was an 8 year old.

He includes the parents in the team and regularly solicits feedback. He’s also helped the kids to understand the notion of failure. In baseball failure is the norm — 2/3rds of the time at bat players fail. When faced with failure, he encourages them to think: “I’ll get it the next time.”

As a result of his coaching, the team made it to the Maryland state championship. The team excelled, making it all the way to the final round. In the end, they lost by 2 runs. After the game, the coach took time to celebrate his team’s effort. Spotlighting all 13 children, he named something that every single kid did to contribute to their success. The best highlight he had was the final game, when the kids all had their rally caps on chanting “2 out rally” up until the last minute of the game. They never lost hope.

This is an example of how engagement drives success. You’re going to win more often than not when you teach people how to deal with failure. Because it’s what you do after the failure that defines you.

KK: How can leaders in the workplace empower their employees to take risks and learn from failure?

CM: When people fail they’re very vulnerable. They may think, “If I fail, I will get fired.” And if people are afraid of failure, they will have a hard time taking risks. They become complacent. Leaders need to let their people know what safety nets exist if faced with failure. It’s also never about just one person. People should feel they’re part of a team effort that shares responsibility for success and failure.

KK: Any additional advice for Women Grow Business readers?
CM: Don’t underestimate the power of being yourself and helping people understand who that is. You can’t lead people if you aren’t authentic and real. People will do a lot more for you when they feel a real connection with you.

For additional advice, stories and strategies, check out Engaging Leadership: Three Agendas for Sustaining Achievement. You can reach Claire Meany at Transformation Strategies, Inc., where she is vice president and director of training.

Guest post and interview conducted by Katie Kemple, producer of the Women Grow Business leadership series. With an extensive background in radio, television, and communications, she holds an Executive Master’s in Leadership from Georgetown University. Katie believes in the power of positive thinking (plus embracing failure as a path to success). She can be reached via Twitter @kkemple and on her blog Love Your Layoff.

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Earlier in the week, I entered a conversation here at Women Grow Business about my former career as a bellydancer — and its influence on my public speaking and audience engagement. Since then, several additional concepts came to mind. So here the conversation continues; and certainly share your thoughts in the comments (or tools and tips of your own that have strengthened your leadership through public speaking).

Re-purpose your best work and stories:
Develop a repertoire of personal stories on topics of importance to your business. As a dancer, I had certain songs and moves I’d return to time and again because they worked for me. And as a speaker, I have a similar set of stories I recycle to convey different ideas, beliefs or concepts.

It’s these stories that will make people care about your presentation and see the mission of your organization more clearly. Take the time to develop your stories.

Encourage participation:
I always knew I was having a good night when the audience got up to dance. It meant I had converted them from audience members to participants. That’s why as a speaker, I try to give the audience an opportunity to act. Whether it’s raising a hand, offering a comment, or demonstrating a concept, when you involve people, you win advocates. And that additional support is what often converts a presentation from mediocre to memorable. Presenters do better when they feel supported by the audience.

Open and exit with a bang:
People remember the way you enter and the way you leave. That’s why bellydancers use big, dramatic music at the start and finale of their sets. Similarly, many speakers try to open with a joke. Sometimes this works but when it doesn’t it’s really bad. My strength is telling personal stories so that’s how I start my speeches. You may be different. The key is knowing your strengths and using them where it counts.

You must have heart:
Every bellydancer includes a taqsim in her show. It’s the section of the set where she performs to one instrument — a solo flute, oud or acordian. Slow, sweet, mysterious — it cannot be choreographed and it cannot be faked. The dancer must feel it in the moment. The best speakers have similar moments. Martin Luther King Jr. had one when he told the world “I have a dream.” Hilary Clinton had one during her campaign speech in New Hampshire when she departed from the talking points and said: “this is very personal for me.” And I can’t help but wonder what other amazing speeches the world would have if more people opened their hearts to the audience. Because that is what it takes to change the world in your speech. [image Heart of Clouds by Tony Immoos, Creative Commons]

Finally, one last idea to keep in mind. And if none of these tips have helped, maybe this one will: Be thankful that you are not standing in front of your audience half naked, wearing a hot pink sequined bra and skirt. Be comfortable and confident in your skin and you’ll do fine!

More from:

• Katie Kemple and her leadership series on Women Grow Business.

Guest post by Katie Kemple, producer of the Women Grow Business leadership series. With an extensive background in radio, television, and communications, she holds an Executive Master’s in Leadership from Georgetown University. Katie believes in the power of positive thinking (plus embracing failure as a path to success). She can be reached via twitter @kkemple and on her blog Love Your Layoff.

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When I was in my 20s I led a double life.
By day, I was a PR manager at a non-profit — writing speeches, pitching the media and organizing events. By night, I was a professional bellydancer shuffling between gigs at embassies, parties and restaurants. Of the two, guess where I learned more about the art of giving speeches?

Hint: it wasn’t in my cubicle.

As a PR manager, I wrote speeches about 4 times a year. But as a bellydancer, I was performing at least 4 times a week. As such, my presentation skills improved faster as a dancer, and I began to discover why certain things work and other don’t. I had my bellydance successes — nights when the crowds were up on their feet dancing, cheering and throwing bills in the air. But, I also had my failures. The shows where my audience barely lifted a head from the dinner table to acknowledge my presence.

Eventually, my career took a new direction. I started a master’s degree in leadership at Georgetown. And, I became pregnant with my first child. Soon, I was preparing more speeches for class than dances for gigs.

My communications professor challenged our class to “change the world” with our speeches. A lofty goal, but one you must acheive as a leader.

Of course, it helps to know the dynamics of performance and for that I often refer to the 8 rules of presentation I learned as a bellydancer.

Don’t rely on props:
One of the worst things a bellydancer can do is bring out a prop, such as a sword or veil, and not use it properly. The audience will stare at the prop, just waiting for the dancer to do something interesting. Similarly, speakers use crutches like Power Point or hand-outs that distract if not used strategically. The audience stares at the prop and misses the speech. Don’t use a prop unless you’re going to amaze people with it.

Improvise:
Watching a bellydancer perform choreography is boring. It’s far more exciting to see a performer take in the mood, tone and audience of a place and translate that into dance. Choreography is the equivalent to reading a speech. It blocks you from connecting with the audience. It takes practice to talk from bullet points rather than reading lines off a script, but once you master it, there are no limits to your potential. Your audience will feel the difference.

Your audience has the power:
Audiences have more power than they realize [image Power-People by Guenno, Creative Commons]. It’s impossible for a dancer to do well if the audience isn’t in the mood to see a show. I’ve balanced swords on my head and spun with them there and still had tables completely ignore me. The same holds true for giving a speech. If people aren’t in the mood, they’re not going to be a good audience. Be mindful of your audience, but also know that sometimes even great speeches fall flat because the audience doesn’t want to hear a speech. Don’t take it personally.

Leave ‘em wanting more:
A common mistake for dancers is choosing a set that’s too long. Shorter is almost always better. Far wiser to leave people wanting more than to leave the impression that you’re boring. It seems simple, and yet, I see this problem too often at events. I attended a benefit several years ago where the founder of a company rambled on so long that people actually started to leave during her speech. Don’t let that be you!

And on that note, let me extend thanks to you for being a great audience for this post. My experience as a performer significantly impacted my approach to public speech; and I want to share more with you soon. In the interim, what tips have you derived from your own experience for giving a ‘change the world’ presentation?

Guest post by Katie Kemple, producer of the Women Grow Business leadership series. With an extensive background in radio, television, and communications, she holds an Executive Master’s in Leadership from Georgetown University. Katie believes in the power of positive thinking (plus embracing failure as a path to success). She’s writing a memoir about being unemployed and a book on finding joy in leadership (with her blog at Love Your Layoff, where she can be reached).

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Guest post by Katie Kemple, producer of the Women Grow Business leadership series. With an extensive background in radio, television, and communications, she holds an Executive Master’s in Leadership from Georgetown University. Katie believes in the power of positive thinking (plus embracing failure as a path to success). She’s writing a memoir about being unemployed and a book on finding joy in leadership (with her blog at Love Your Layoff, where she can be reached).

When I was a kid, I used to get in trouble. A lot.
And when I did, I would hope and pray that my father made it home before my mother did. My mom worked in my school district, so it was harder for her to remain objective. Having your kid make a scene and hearing about it from others teachers is, understandably, embarrassing. Regardless, I preferred my dad in such situations for three reasons, he:

• 1) remained calm
• 2) listened to my side of the story
• 3) made it clear that while he didn’t agree with my actions, he still loved me

I didn’t realize it then, but my dad was good at this for a reason. He was the chief negotiator for his union.

Say the word “negotiation” and the first thing that comes to mind is money. Negotiating a contract, a salary, a bill. But, the truth is, life is a negotiation and a majority of it has nothing to do with money.

Negotiating is what happens when people have conflicting needs. If you thought about it, you could probably name several examples from the last few hours. For instance, my toughest negotiation today was with my toddler. She wanted to go for a walk outside, but it was rainy, so I negotiated a deal to Skype with Grandma and Grandpa instead.

Lose ground (or gain it)
In business, it’s precisely these routine negotiations where you can lose ground. In the heat of the moment [image by HannaT, Creative Commons] -people get carried away and forget what’s at stake: not the money, contract, or time, but the relationships. Because, lets face it, not every deal is going to work out. Sometimes the products, events or strategies are not the right fit. But that does not mean the person you’re negotiating with will never be the right fit for some program further down the line.

If you’re a great negotiator, like my dad, you always leave the table showing great care and respect for your opponent.

To him, it didn’t matter whether you were negotiating a five year contract, a curfew, or the last bagel, win or lose, you always knew he cared but it wasn’t personal. And that’s why I wanted to keep doing business with my dad and why many others felt the same way.

Boiling it down to the final score: remain calm & establish trust. Many years later I can’t count the number of classes I’ve taken on negotiating. I could talk your ear off discussing BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement), anchoring and cultural negotiation tactics. I was treated to a barrage of negotiating simulations to practice such techniques while working on my masters. But it all boiled down to this: if my opponent and I were able to establish trust at the beginning, remain calm, listen, and express care — we both achieved higher points on our final score. Plus, we finished earlier than the other teams and walked out smiling.

When prone to heated debate: tactics
What has impressed me about this approach is that it even works on people normally prone to heated debate. If you don’t take the bait, they can’t reel you in. And taking the bait here is: getting emotional, refusing to listen, and freezing people out if you don’t get your way.

As an entrepreneur you’re constantly faced with negotiations, particularly if you have a small or non-existent staff.

[As a business owner] You must use influence to persuade people who don’t directly report to you. That often makes it trickier.

How to lose clients: dictate your way through negotiation
I’ve seen trail blazers waltz into a situation thinking they can dictate the outcome of a relationship to a vendor. It never works. And if it does, eventually the other party becomes so exhausted that they opt to drop you as a client all together.

That’s why establishing trust, care, and good listening skills are so essential. Your business depends on it.

Here are several examples of how others have used trust, listening and care to achieve winning results in negotiations.

• Harvard Business School, Six Ways to Build Trust in Negotiations: Great case study on a woman who used a trust-based strategy to save her business $25 million in annual revenues.
• Everybody Negotiates, Listening Skills: One Key to Successful Negotiation: 12 excellent suggestions for ramping up your listening skills during a negotiation.
• Womens Media, Listening to Women: New Perspectives on Negotiation: How women succeed in negotiations by paying attention to “shadow negotiations,” instances where small wins deliver a big impact.

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Guest post by Katie Kemple, producer of the Women Grow Business leadership series. With an extensive background in radio, television, and communications, she holds an Executive Master’s in Leadership from Georgetown University. Katie believes in the power of positive thinking (plus embracing failure as a path to success). She’s writing a memoir about being unemployed and a book on finding joy in leadership (with her blog at Love Your Layoff, where she can be reached).

Encouraging Critical Feedback
I got my undergraduate degree in creative writing. Not a likely background for most businesswomen. But, writing aside, I learned two key leadership skills in my classes: how to give and receive criticism.

Of course, the beauty of a writing workshop is that there’s a system for feedback.

By entering the class, you are asking others to review your work in the hopes that by doing so, you will improve.

That is, in fact, the entire value of taking the class.

But the work place is not a writing workshop. We do our jobs and there is often very little time reserved for critical feedback. If you’re an entrepreneur this is particularly true. You may or may not have employees, vendors, and clients who voluntarily provide feedback.

Chances are, if you as an entrepreneur don’t have a system in place, you’re missing a lot.

The problem: absent ways to vent

(image, Listen To Reason, by Jared Chapman)

If your contacts [and stakeholders in general] don’t have an opportunity to provide critical feedback, they will most likely vent their frustrations to others. That’s why I’m an advocate for creating systems to provide regular, constructive, and critical feedback.

Taking initiative
As a chief operating officer, I made a point to call all of our clients personally, at least twice a year to hear their feedback on our service. These calls surfaced valuable feedback on our strengths and weaknesses. They also provided useful information on the state of their business beyond our relationship.

Some conversations led to in-depth discussions about new technology. Others, to new ways for us to collaborate to solve problems previously off the radar.

And many conversations sparked internal discussions about how to improve our service. Furthermore, our clients genuinely appreciated the opportunity to have an honest discussion.

To get started:
Make a list of your stakeholders: employees, board members, clients, vendors, peers. For each group, ask yourself how much feedback you’re currently receiving. Is any of it critical? Next, determine how frequently and when to request feedback. Be flexible. An annual review is a start, but not always the best way to get critical feedback.

I like to strike while the iron’s hot, and ask for feedback immediately following a big project.

This not only yields insight at its peak, but also helps inform the next big initiative.

Several rules I suggest for the feedback process:

• Rule #1: Encourage honesty by stating you want to improve your business and that you’re open to critical feedback.
• Rule #2: Prepare a list of open ended questions.
• Rule #3: Once a question is posed, listen without interrupting.
• Rule #4: Don’t get defensive! Fighting feedback will not help you.
• Rule #5: Ask follow up questions to fully understand the scope of a problem.
• Rule #6: Ask for suggestions and identify action steps.
• Rule #7: Thank the person providing feedback and tell them how they’ve helped you.
• Rule #8: Follow up. Nothing shows understanding like action itself.

It is essential in feedback conversations to create a safe, open environment. I can’t stress that enough. The best way to do this is to show your employees, vendors and clients through daily interactions that you want to hear their thoughts.

Nothing kills critical feedback faster than a defensive boss.

Likewise, watch out for feedback bullies on your executive team. Ideally, you want every person you’re dealing with to feel comfortable speaking up — regardless of who else is in the room.

By nurturing an environment conducive to feedback, you will collect more useful and practical feedback to improve your business. It’s also a very sincere way to show people you care.

And when you listen to their thoughts and integrate them into your business, you give people a sense of shared ownership in the results.

That means more support on your road to success.

More on feedback:

• Giving and Receiving Feedback with more on “closed” vs. “open” ways to receive it.
• Job Performance Feedback: 7 Tips for Receiving Feedback Gracefully;
• Monday Tip: Ask for Feedback per Chief Happiness Officer Alexander Kjerulf;
• The Right Way to Ask for Feedback. Get great stats on dissatisfied customers and suggestions on how to set up a survey to measure satisfaction.

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Guest post by Katie Kemple, producer of the Women Grow Business leadership series. With an extensive background in radio, television, and communications, she holds an Executive Master’s in Leadership from Georgetown University. Katie believes in the power of positive thinking (plus embracing failure as a path to success). She’s writing a memoir about being unemployed and a book on finding joy in leadership (with her blog at Love Your Layoff, where she can be reached).

Are you seeking revenge?
Revenge has been on my mind lately.

Not because I just lost my job (which I did), but because it’s the topic of a new book I’ve been reading by one of my favorite professors at Georgetown, Robert J. Bies and his co-author Thomas M. Tripp called Getting Even: The Truth About Workplace Revenge and How to Stop It.

Bies and Tripp define revenge as:

an action in response to some perceived harm or wrongdoing by another party, which is intended to inflict damage, injury, discomfort, or punishment on the party judged responsible (p. 3).

Their studies have led them to believe that “the motivation for revenge is primarily rooted in a sense of injustice. Further, revenge should be seen as actions intended to restore a sense of justice (p. 13).

Exacting revenge without even knowing it
I’ll admit when I first picked up the book, I didn’t consider myself a revenge seeker…but as I started to read, I discovered I was! I had exacted revenge on past bosses without even knowing it. In particular, one of my first job experiences came to mind. I was working a low level position at a large organization and about three months in I got a new boss. A hyper type-A personality, he was highly competitive, vocal and controlling. One of his first assignments for me was to “keep an eye on our project manager,” suggesting that she was not spending enough time on our account. Having worked with the project manager for several months already, I knew she was hard working but my boss didn’t trust my opinion on the matter.

After awhile, it seemed he didn’t trust me either.

While I didn’t realize it at the time, I was taking revenge out on my boss everyday in the form of:

• avoiding him
• talking behind his back and
• expending the least amount of effort possible on his pet projects.

While these might seem like minor acts of revenge, they made me feel like I was restoring a “sense of justice” to my work place. By undermining him in little ways, I was “taking back control”. Of course, the problem was I was:

• not collaborating
• ruining my reputation, and
• being less productive.

The “justice” I sought was actually hurting me.

As a leader, it’s in your best interest to be aware of revenge.
Sometimes it’s preventable, sometimes not. But one thing’s for sure: revenge wastes time, energy and resources. It zaps productivity. It destroys trust and collaboration between parties. It’s a quick fix that might feel good in the moment but has repercussions for all parties further down the line.

Mediation: painful but necessary
My former boss and I had to go through mediation to sort out our problems. It was a painful conversation, but the truth is, we worked much better together afterwards. By getting things out in the open, we were able to put the past behind us and focus on achieving present goals.

(‘Talk To Me’ image entitled Google Talk by Daniel F. Pigatto, Creative Commons)

Authors Bies and Tripp offer much wisdom on revenge management and prevention in their book. At the heart of it is justice, and the first step is awareness. For that reason especially if you run your business and team, I suggest asking yourself these questions about your current business environment:

1) Do you have a transparent, inclusive system for making decisions and communicating those decisions to employees?

2) Do you frequently solicit employee input on major decisions?

3) Are you aware when employees are unhappy and/or frustrated with a decision?

4) Do you have a formal system for employees to file a complaint and/or request mediation from an impartial party?

And, in addition to that I’ll add, a personal question:

Are you seeking revenge? You may be surprised by your answer…

Check out these resources for additional information:

• Here are some common mistakes managers make that leave them vulerable to acts of revenge: Seven Communication Mistakes Managers Make by Stever Robbins from Harvard Business Publishing;
• A useful article on creating a dispute resolution system for small and medium sized companies: A Workplace Dispute Resolutions System Creates a Winning Teamby Elizabeth Moreno
• Find a professional mediator

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So many brainstorms:

…on helping women become entrepreneurs, emerge as thought leaders, grow expertise, utilize social media, and triumph in business with a sense of service and integrity (and fun!).

It all happened this weekend at The Ritz Carlton where many of our regular core contributors and thought leaders behind the blog’s development met for afternoon tea.

Video: a fun (8) minutes
Meet them face to face here as they celebrate National Women’s History Month and why they’re involved with the Women Grow Business community:

Want to be a guest contributor?

Please get involved!

I invite you to consider the different ways to participate with Women Grow Business (now!).

And again, Happy Women’s History Month.

More from:

• Melissa Meeks Makfinsky, Network Solutions Marketing Manager, on the National Women’s History Project;
• How in Queens, NY, women are launching new businesses at a higher rate than men;
• SCORE’s mentorship and other resources for women entrepreneurs.

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Guest post by Katie Kemple, regular guest contributor to Women Grow Business & COO of Capitol News Connection, a multimedia news non-profit. She holds an Executive Master’s in Leadership from Georgetown University and believes in the power of positive thinking (plus embracing failure as a path to success). Katie is writing a memoir about being unemployed and a book on finding joy in leadership. She can be reached through her blog Love Your Layoff.

Growing up in rural High Falls, New York (pop. 600)

I had a very long bus ride to school. My one wish was to stare out the window and daydream. A wish that would go unanswered most mornings as some girl would sit next to me and tell me her problems. The result was a compromise, I would appear to “listen”, while allowing my mind to dip in and out of daydreams. I thought I was clever and actually convinced myself that I was a good listener.

Tales from a recovering fake listener
My listening habit continued for years peacefully uninterrupted until 1998, when my then boyfriend snapped me out of a trance: “Hey, Katie…Hello? There you go again. It’s like you’re not even here. You’re not listening to me.” (image Listen by Fred Armitage, Creative Commons)

This became a joke when he was in a good mood, and a fight when he was not. I wish I could say that it ended there…

Fast forward to 2008 (yes, a full ten years later) and I’m sitting in a leadership workshop where we’ve been divided into teams of two. One person is instructed to talk. The other person acts engaged (for the first minute) then disengaged (for the second minute). I was the talker for a change and, of course, the first minute was easy.

The second minute, however, was grueling. I fumbled. I repeated words. I forgot what I was talking about.

I became fascinated with the boots my companion was wearing and adjusting while I spoke. I may have even started talking about her boots. Of course, I was not listening to myself, so I couldn’t tell you for sure.

Then it hit me.
That night, I came home and my husband (who’d had a harrowing day with our toddler) started to tell me about his day. Meanwhile, I did the dishes, checked my BlackBerry, de-cluttered the table, wondered what we should eat for dinner, salad or take out?…when it hit me:

I am not listening. I am not listening. I am not listening!!!

The most important leadership skill is listening.

If you don’t listen, forget about helping other people (which should be the definition of leadership). Some people blame technology for society’s lack of listening skills. I don’t buy it. People have found ways and reasons not to listen since the dawn of time. Laptops, cell phones, text messaging, email, IM, Twitter….these only give us new platforms to ignore each other.

The temptation to slip into our own world of thought is so darn ever present that it requires years and years of constant reminders to get to a point of recognition and awareness. How many times have you been introduced to someone at a party, only to forget their name five minutes later?

Guess what, you didn’t forget it. You weren’t listening.

So, if you want to be respected by your employees, vendors, spouses, children…basically anyone in the world, take action now to improve your listening skills.

Here are some exercises to get you started:

• Close your eyes and don’t open them until you have identified ten separate sounds in your immediate environment.
• For an entire day (or week, or month…or lifetime) when someone talks to you, stop what you are doing and look into his/her eyes as they speak to you.
• For every employee you have, write down (from memory) where they grew up and where they live now; the names of their spouse, children & pets; last place they took a vacation; hobbys; favorite restaurant or food; favorite sports team; birthday; favorite TV show/movie/author. Don’t have answers? Create more opportunities to listen.
• At your next event, commit to remembering the name of every person you meet, plus five pieces of information you discovered in the conversation. After the event, jot down information while it’s fresh in your mind to test your performance.

Interested in learning more?

Check out these articles for additional tips:

• Business Week’s Why Leadership Means Listening;
• Soft Skills: Listening for Better Leadership at CIO.com;
• Listening and Leadership (article & podcast) from the Center for Creative Leadership.

Katie Kemple writes the ongoing leadership series at Women Grow Business with her launch post being Leadership Trumps a Freak Out.

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Guest post by Katie Kemple, regular guest contributor to Women Grow Business & COO of Capitol News Connection, a multimedia news non-profit. She holds an Executive Master’s in Leadership from Georgetown University and believes in the power of positive thinking (plus embracing failure as a path to success). Katie is writing a memoir about being unemployed and a book on finding joy in leadership. She can be reached through her blog Love Your Layoff.

Don’t Freak!
When I was a kid, I was a tremendous worrier. I had this one ballet teacher who would shout at me in class: “Don’t freak, Katie! Don’t freak!” But, I couldn’t help myself. That’s who I was, that’s how I managed my life.

Freaking out made me feel like I was in control.

If I didn’t obsess over it I might fail. In some parts of my life obsessing over details seemed to work (cramming for tests for example) but in ballet class the more I freaked out, the more I failed.

One of my best friends, Kathleen, who was a high achiever, used to remark: “You’re always busy, Katie, you always have so much work to do.” Mind you, we were in the exact same classes at school. She was besting me on just about every test. And yet, Kathleen could not be more cool, collected and laid back. My mental excuse for our differences was simple: Kathleen was smarter than me. She had a higher IQ. She didn’t need to freak out, because she was naturally gifted and intelligent.

I needed a break.
By the time college applications rolled around, I was burned out. I couldn’t stand the thought of spending another four years working and worrying 24/7. I needed a break, so I became a creative writing major at Emerson College. I was in heaven at Emerson. It was everything I wanted life to be: creative, stimulating, relaxed. The worry flew off me like dandelion seeds to the wind. And I still did well. My grades were just as good as they were in high school.

Being a free spirit and a business leader — weren’t those two in opposition?
Back then, I could have never imagined a future where I would be head of operations at a company. Being a free spirit and a business leader — weren’t those two in opposition?

But here’s what I’ve found: the work gets done whether you worry about it or not.

The “worry” is what happens when you’re not “doing the work”. If you’re putting your time in, and doing what needs to be done, then there’s no need to worry. And there’s no need to make your employees, vendors, and partners worry needlessly.

As the leader of a company, others are constantly looking to you for clues.
If you’re worried, they’re worried. And if they’re worried, they’re going to spend more time worrying and less time “doing the work”. As Eckhart Tolle writes in his book The Power of Now: “When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.”

During tough economic times, it can be hard not to freak out.
We’re all worried on some level. But I guarantee you, freaking out at the office and planting fear in those around you will only make things worse. You — and your employees, vendors, and partners — will have closed your minds to the best solutions.

Exercises to Kill a Freak Out
When it feels like the world’s crashing in on you, try these methods to expand your thinking.

• Appreciate:
  Take time to thank people for their efforts and let them know that you appreciate their work.
• Acknowledge:
  When things aren’t going well, admit it. Make a list of what you can do to help. Then either start acting on the items, or assign dates/times to tackle each. Clear your mind of the to-do list until the designated hour arrives to act on it.
• Braindump Fears:
  Write a list of your worst fears concerning the situation at hand. Writing your fears gets them out of your head, and decreases their power of your mind, mood, and energy.
• Look:
  Go for a walk outside. Look at the sky and observe how beyond its dome is endless space. How big are your concerns compared to the universe?

More on leadership online:

• The Washington Post’s On Leadership forum has regular, timely advice; check out recent comments on leadership during crisis.
• Harvard Business Review Leadership Resources has the latest research and insight from business leaders — read these on the power of staying positive and how to work through uncertainty.
• Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now is a definite “Freak Out” killer. You can’t read this book and continue to operate in crisis mode.
• Need to kill a Freak Out instantly? Stop what you’re doing and watch this clip from Zorba the Greek. To set the scene, Zorba & his boss just watched their business collapse (literally).

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